youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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