JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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