goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
