Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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