Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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