dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
