I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
