she woke up with a sticky ear
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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