i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
