I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
