the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
