i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
