I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So squirting runs in the family.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
