my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
