i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
