If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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