Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I still have a little drunk in my system
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
