I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
