I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize