I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
