hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
