The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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