tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
