im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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