I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
