highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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