I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
