my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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