No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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