Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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