Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
