So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
