You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
