Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
