I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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