Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
