I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
