Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
