After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
