Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
