why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Randomize