I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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