I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
