You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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