Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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