oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
