dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
