Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
