Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
