from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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