i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
