I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
