And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
