yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am spending my child support on dildos
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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