ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
