i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
