Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
