Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
