Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
