I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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