u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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