i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
